Riverpedia archive - 09/16/2020
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" From journal, 3-12-77 (don’t know where we were living – Woodstock? Liver flush reference lets me know that I was likely in the early days of working at Integral Health Services)
Well, tonight is tonight, I am tired. Where is ambition, spiritual or otherwise? What is the goal upon which to fasten one’s life’s energies? 1) Take care of the children. 2) Do regular sadhana. 3) Flow with all changes regardless. Is 2 or 3 the highest? Don’t know. But I know I’m radiantly happy when I’m doing the regular sadhana! Maybe I’ll try to get up early tomorrow morning. For sure I want to get up before Lord Rama. He feels I haven’t been giving him enough love. I told him he had to give me more room. Well. I guess I’m wrong. I am the parent, so I just have to give him more love. It will help to get up earlier. I really love him. They are just well from high fevers. Divya and Kumar might move in.
I have been awake since 5:45. Now it is 7 and I’m sleepier than at the earlier time. I have had my eyes open for ½ hour and can find no reason strong enough to get me out of bed. I am fairly happy but feel my back like sponge and a certain amount of energy being lost by my gyrating mind and prone position. Mainly I want to be good to the kids this morning, and if I am carrying the worrisome burden of not having done my sadhana it is difficult. At the Zen Center I used to set my alarm far away and then get up to turn it off without thinking of “reasons.” – Stumble into my clothes and into the bathroom, down the street into my robes and into the zendo. Oh well. Om shanti. Time to meet the new day head on. Liver flush today.
I watched my mind tonight. Steve has been helping me meditate morning and evening since 4 days and helping me not drink coffee since March 1. Tonight I went to Hatha class and meditation. Felt so good. Amidst all the thoughts – leaving Zen Center, etc, the center became a little more clear and I felt again the value of meditating in a group and alone both as really adequate means of awakening oneself from tamasic slumber. "
( Last edited by Rivers at 2020-09-16 08:53 AM utc )
Dear Mom and Dad
(written in Eastford, while Steve worked on Sumner Warren’s Dairy Farm)
Dear Mom and Dad,
I figure if I call my father-in-law Dad, and I’ve never even seen him, then surely I can call you Dad!
This has been such a wonderful happy week. So many kindnesses have been shown to me. It all started with me getting depressed from the housework last week – And Steve was so sweet and helped me so much – he just stuck by me emotionally and he cleaned and cleaned while I painted. I think I will get it done by the 23’rd. .... Then I went to Rivers kindergarten play (so CUTE! He kept a total stone face during the whole thing and seemed a foot shorter than everyone else) and met 4 women who had me in for tea and cookies on the way home. They were so nice and accepting – I had a really good time and it was really good to get out of the house a little and be with other young mothers. Oh my. Let’s see. Any other news . . .Oh yeah – we bought the 1970 falcon SW and I’m out on the road! I t drives great, I love it a lot, and feel quite spiffy driving it.
I wore my blue pants suit (embroidered one) and that’s how I met the ladies today.
( Last edited by Rivers at 2020-09-16 01:53 AM utc )
"(written sometime after my marriage to Steve, probably while still on Wilkinson St.) Dearest Sue,
Probably you have experienced at least as many ups and downs in the last week as I have. Egocentricity flares up and I am in deep misery, stiff, anxious, overbearing – on and on – then the air clears and our selves are there shining in simplicity – just as ugly and all as before but not tense. I don’t know if I will make sense in this letter. I hope so. But its 5 am and I am by the heat and feeling drowsy.
Everything is so perfect, Sue. Steve is my mate in all ways. I feel he is leading me and teaching me so many new ways – all of which are me but are things I had hesitated doing before.
When we left after the ceremony we just took off down the road “going to Stoughton” forgetting that wishes don’t get you there and you have to at least head in that general direction. After half an hour we realized we weren’t headed towards Stoughton at all. We finally got 20 miles or so away and dear old Nick, the van, died. It was so cold. No heat in the van and we were still not functioning right. Steve had seen a call for help box ¼ mile away. We walked to it and Steve pushed the button for service. But it was dark and he also pushed the cancel button. We went back to the van, ate a frozen banana and climbed in his mummy bag (6 inches at the bottom). I thought – if Sue could see us now. We waited and waited thinking any minute to see flashing lights. A few hours went by – nothing. So we finally pushed “police.” A guy came and called us a tow truck and drove us for water at 110 miles/hour. Then back in the bag to wait on the tow truck. He towed us to Stoughton for only $15.00 for a wedding present. At 5:30 AM we stumbled into the house, supposed empty, only to find it full of people. Ho hum. We found an empty bed and conked out. The next day we spent getting the van fixed. Then we fell asleep at 5 that night and slept 16 hours. The next day we drove into Boston, or rather almost drove. Nick broke down again and we hitch hiked in, ate at Hippocrates and found 2 new friends, one of whom had rebuilt 3 engines just like ours! They took us out to Nick (We had left him on the highway) and in an hour had him all going and sent us off with laughter and apple cider.
We had a wonderful time. Everyday that goes by I feel happier and more blessed. The plants, by the way, have transformed the entire house. We got the master tape of the wedding and listened to it last night. It was really so beautiful. So much deep and relaxed laughter.
Oh also both kids have had high fevers and puking all week. It has been taxing – these past few months.
My memories of the wedding are so peaceful and happy. And it was really important that you were here. I’m so sleepy now. I’d better go iron or something or I’ll end up back in bed. Hope things are going well for you and Craig. Let me know. . . Keep in touch.
Snore. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Om, Bhavani"
Rochester Zen Center
( Last edited by Rivers at 2020-09-16 01:55 AM utc )
I prefer the Big Five (OCEAN) to MBTI, and like learning about other people’s scores. I have not taken the test because I know my personality pretty well. I am an introvert.
( Last edited by Tiffany at 2020-09-16 00:37 AM utc )
From 1976-1981 My name was Rama. From 1982-1988 My name was Peter.
( Last edited by Rivers at 2020-09-16 08:55 AM utc )
( Last edited by Rivers at 2020-09-16 08:46 AM utc )
" Journal entry – I think I was writing Gurudev with the idea of applying for to be pre-sannyas – I did not send it. It must have been sometime in the first year or so at Wilkinson St – before steve and after kalyani. :
Desires 1. I need to live alone. 2. I need to attend more satsangs – and feel, really experience, my aloneness and yet the reality of the other beings there 3. I wish very much to serve as directly as possible, the ashram and your teachings. 4. I do not wish to be on welfare unless totally unavoidable. 5. I desire to live a life of celibacy, service, meditation
Qualifications: 1. I have no husband. 2. I have 2 beautiful children who are ages 3 ¾ and 4 ¾. They are able to be left at sitters 3 days a week, ideally, or just mornings 5 days a week. If I have to work fulltime in the outside world to avoid welfare, I will have to work 5 full days/week. "
( Last edited by Rivers at 2020-09-16 08:44 AM utc )
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